I am a type A personality. I am also whatever the opposite of a type A personality is. I need order, plans, and structure, and also thrive in chaos. I have to-do lists, monthly goals, yearly goals, and five year plans in file after file on my phone, computer, and scribbled on post its stuck to the back of magazines.
Maybe you are like me, and you like to plan ahead. Or, maybe you are like me and are drawn to impulsivity. Whatever the case, many people think about whether or not they want children, how many they want to have, and what age they would like to be when they become parents. I heard something on the radio once about 26 being the most successful age to get married. At 19 years old, I drafted that into my 10 year plan, that included graduating college, dating for at least two years, marrying at 26, and having my first child at 29 years old.
My plans were thwarted when the most handsome and charming man alive proposed to me on Christmas Eve of my 21st year of life. We finished college together by 25 and weren’t ready to become parents until several years later. My first daughter was born three months after my 28th birthday. We knew we were ready to become parents because we knew the ins and outs of each other’s personalities, had enough money in our bank account to provide for a child, and had established a relationship based on a permanent commitment to one another that we felt was a secure and stable environment to raise children in.
We were excited to create a cuddly, curly haired, little baby and dress her in all of the tiny outfits that I had already been pinning on Pinterest. There were three things, however, that completely blindsided us both after our daughter was born, things we wish we had understood prior to getting pregnant with her, things that may or may not have changed our timeline, but may have made us more emotionally prepared to face the joys and challenges of parenting.
First of all, every single decision I made from the day we decided to “start trying” felt like it had eternal consequences.
How much caffeine should I drink? Can I eat a hot ham and cheese sandwich? Should we start a savings account or wait? What temperature should my bath water be?
These questions only increased as we made decisions about her birth – Delaying cord clamping? Vitamin K drops? Which hospital do we deliver at? I just had NO IDEA how many decisions there would be to make and how weighty they would feel.
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Second, I had no idea how difficult it would be for my husband and I to trust her into the care of other people.
This may have been the biggest thing that I was blind-sided by. We are so blessed to have an enormous community of friends and family/framily who we walk through life with. While pregnant, I vowed to keep our weekly date nights and to just leave our newborn in the care of one of the many people that love her.
Being pregnant with my daughter was the easiest part of her life for me, so far. I knew she was safe, what she was eating, what she was hearing, and who she was with at every single moment. After she was born, the worst case scenarios constantly plagued my mind. The sweet older ladies at church offering to baby sit gave me anxiety as they reached to cuddle her! What if they dropped her? Coughed on her? Handed her to someone?
This has improved as she has gotten older, my hormone filled anxiety has improved, and time has showed us that babies are much more durable than I previously thought, but it is still a factor that has taken a lot of time to adjust to.
Lastly, I had no idea how deeply attached I would be to the person we created.
Literally, from the moment I found out I was pregnant with her, she overtook my every thought. I had an incredibly difficult time staying focused on anything else, because she consumed me. The chemical explosion of hormones and pheromones made my brain total mush and I dreaded the thought of having to share her with the world, while still desperately wanting to share her with the world.
I had no idea how deeply attached to her I would become while she was still the size of a walnut. Even now, the deep level of attachment that I feel to her even as a tiny toddler is so intense. Other moms tried to warn me about this part of motherhood during my pregnancy, tears filled their eyes as they tried to explain it.
“It is a love so intense that it is almost painful,” they said, “It is all consuming, your heart feels like it is actually outside of your body.” At least they tried to warn me, as I’m trying to warn you, but there is no way to fully know until you are there.
I wish that I had known how permanently and completely the decision to become a parent would alter our lives in the best way possible- that no matter how much I planned and plotted for our future, the moment that she entered into the world, we would never be the same.
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By Allie Garcia
